


I Can't Handle Change

by imnotablcharacter



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Depression, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kissing, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-15 02:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9214280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotablcharacter/pseuds/imnotablcharacter
Summary: Oikawa wants to die, experiences an awful night and regrets. Good thing that Iwaizumi couldn't care less.





	

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I guess I should warn you? If you're sensitive to these kind of topics, then um I don't know, but yeah, you've been warned. I read a blog and it really made me want to write this, even though it's kinda dark? Still I hope you enjoy this and please feel free to point out any errors, since I'm really bad at editing. (Y do i have to excuse myself each time) xD Also: If you experience or have to endure the same thoughts as Oikawa (in this case) please consider that I'm rooting for you. I hope this 'one-shot' makes you feel like your emotions are kinda universal, basically that you're not alone and that things will turn alright at some point. Our lifes are not determined yet, so yeah. Thanks a bunch, bare with me and enjoy this somehow!

There wasn't that much to remember. To be honest, he didn't even want to remember anything at all in the first place. Tooru was fine like that. Maybe his head hurt like hell, so what? Maybe he had a few pills too much, so what? All he wanted to do was to keep on lying wherever he was in that very moment. Even though he felt sore and awful, honestly. There were a lot of voices barging in every couple seconds, minutes, hours. He was fine, though. Even though, he failed, he was fine. Maybe next time, he told himself. Or when he'd be able to stand up again. Or he would just ask one of the nurses to give him an overdose. Either way, he'd be fine. Hajime would be angry with him, but Tooru assumed that he was angrier when Tooru was around him. Everything and everyone would be pleased with him gone. Someone worthier than him could even rent his apartment and actually could keep it clean. There were so many things he thought of. So many pro's of disappearing, that's why he tried it the first time. The more he was upset, when Tooru gained his consciousness and noted, that he was still alive. What the hell am I doing here, was what he thought at first. Was he in hell? Or in heaven? No way, that's not the case he decided afterwards. His eyes were unable to open and he could swore, someone turned him into a mummy. He couldn't feel his limbs and couldn't move. He noted the clicking of a door and several footsteps right afterwards. Tooru could hear someone talking to him, well, it was more like an attempted try, but there was actually someone. Unfortunately, he couldn't register what their words were. Almost paralyzed, he was unable to register anything or anyone. His bandages, which were around his face, were removed right after that, but he wasn't able to open his eyes. Tooru wasn't sure if he could take the sight. Because seeing - recognizing – that he was actually awake would've hurt him even more than his throbbing head he assumed. So he kept his eyes closed, not that he could open them anyway, his eyes felt too weak to open.  
"Oikawa-san, can you hear me, Oikawa-san?" and "You're safe now, but we need to keep you in the intensive care unit, okay? It's just for a couple of days, then you'll be able to meet your family and friends!" Tooru noticed someone putting their hand on his own. "They're waiting, Oikawa-san and so are we." _Are you fucking kidding me?_  
This wasn't really the word he wanted to hear that day. Or ever. He didn't want to face them, not yet and nor in the future so he decided to sleep to sleep through these couple of days. As usual.

-

One certain night was the most horrifying night, Tooru ever had to endure. Horrified couldn't even get a glimpse of his despair and anguish. Cold sweat was running down his neck while he shivered in fear. There was someone laying in the bed next to him and everything was calm until that fear gripped his neck and he felt cold shivers run down his spine. At first he thought that he was imagining those sounds. Weird and uneven wheezing, which lead to a rattling kind of sound. It was the most horrendous sound he ever heard. 

“I'm scared, god, I'm so scared”, he choked on his own words.  
He was unable to move any inch of his body, even though his hands trembled and he himself was a sobbing mess. Tooru knew exactly what he heard in that night and this rattling, this death rattle scared him so much, that he didn't dare to look at the dying man next to him.”Why do they put me in a room with a dying patient”, he talked to himself. More and more question came up and all he could do was to lay in that bed. He was too frightened to call one of the nurses, they would probably say something like “You deserve this”, and Tooru couldn't agree more with that. “That's my punishment”, he whispered. “Because I couldn't even fulfill my selfish wish and bug all these people instead. I deserve this, oh god, I'm such a piece of shit...”, his face distorted painfully, as he tried to get a grip of himself but failed. All those thoughts nearly killed him, ate their way through his body and this self-hatred, Tooru sensed, grew and grew. It concealed any way out of his mind. Tooru paused. It was silent, for just a little while, it was calm and his mind wandered once again. The former volleyball captain thought about his family and wondered, if they weren't able to sleep either. His family, which would either despise him, put him in a psychiatric institution or welcome him with open arms. Tooru hoped for the former, since that would be easier to handle. Being hated was always easier than being loved. To despise himself was also easier, it was so much easier and more self-evident than accepting his person, his character, his disadvantages and his flaws. Tooru was not perfect. He was not even on the way to this stage, and yet he was overwhelmed and loved from small to ever with compliments. Then he thought about Hajime. Hajime, Hajime, Hajime. He loved him so much, god, it almost hurt. Would Hajime hate him? Did he hate and despise him? Although Tooru thought, that this would be the best option, the thought of Hajime letting him go, stung. Not just that, also that he'd forget about him some day and probably marry a beautiful woman worthy of Hajime, hurt him. He grimaced once again. This was horrible, just the thought, that Hajime could easily replace him. Sobbing, he dropped his face in his hands and started crying.  
It was that moment, in which Tooru occurred a new fear, and it took control all over his body, it was something new, different and totally unexplored. As he heard the death rattle of the man next to him, a sound so foreign and yet so terrifying, all Tooru could think of in that very moment was his family. His family and Hajime. For the first time in his life Tooru thought that he actually wanted to live a little bit longer and that thought came with full force and smashed his way through Tooru's mind. Yet all the brunette could do, was to nearly to choke and tremble.  
“I don't want to die”, he sobbed as tears rolled down his face. It was as if this newly found awareness cracked a dam that hold all his fears and insecurity's. All of his troubles were that shaken from this awareness, that Tooru feared to collapse and black out any moment...

-

The next morning his family swarmed him until a nurse told them to step back. Hajime didn't come, so Tooru figured that he'd hate him. A doctor checked his vitals and the nurse gave him some painkillers. They needed some time until they had an effect, so Tooru felt even more awful, especially after thinking about the incident of last night. He dared to look next to him but the bed was empty. The doctor followed his eyes so he declared to him, that they transferred the man when he was sleeping. Tooru assumed that he was already dead by now. Once the doctor and the nurse were gone, it was the most awkward minute of silence he had ever to experience. No one knew what to say first. His nephew was bouncing up and down, wanting to sit with his uncle in his bed, but he didn't seem to know how to come up with a way to ask.  
“Wh....What were you even thinking?!”, his mother cut the silence finally, getting to the question he could tell was all on their minds. Yeah, what was he thinking? Even though he came to an conclusion that he wanted to try to live, he wondered, why he failed the first time? He should have took more pills or just jump out of a building, but now that he experienced the worst night he ever had, Tooru wanted to live, honestly. The problem was that he didn't want to tell his family about that, they wouldn't believe him, not yet. His sister looked at him, waiting for an answer.

“Uh...I...Do I have to answer that one?” Tooru couldn't find the bravery to honestly say that he regret almost everything that happened the past few months or even years. “But-”, his father started. “I appreciate your upmost concern and worry, but please, I don't want to talk about this. Don't worry about me, I... wont do anything stupid...”, he murmured the last part. 

“....”, silence, once again there was nothing but silence. His sister and his brother-in-law shot him a worried glance and sighed afterwards. She cleared her throat. “We shouldn't overdo it, he just woke up, right?”, she suggested and Tooru mildly smiled at that. His sister was still the most lovable human on the earth. His parents nodded slowly calmed down right afterwards. 

“...Yeah...” was all Tooru had the nerve to say. He fucked up. He shouldn't have made his family so scared. He shouldn't have made them sit through this. He shouldn't have acted so selfishly. He shouldn't have- 

“Tooru, Hajime wanted to visit you after we leave, is that okay?”, his mother interrupted his thoughts. “Oh, ah, yeah sure...I guess?” he tried to give a smile.  
“Alright, we should leave then, he is already waiting. We'll pack your things at home and bring them later.”, his mother smiled at him. Before he could say his thanks his other had already wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. “Whatever happens, we will always support you, got it?”, she whispered firmly. Tooru was astonished at how tender and caring his mother was, not that she needed to proof that. He said his thanks quietly and they left him. 

 

-

The moment Hajime stepped in Tooru thought that he'd black out any moment. His heart seemed to burst any moment but all Tooru could do, was to gulp and try to get rid of the sweat on his hands. He wondered why he'd came in the first place, the more he was suprised, when his mother announced his visit. Would he start yelling at him? Break up with him and leave him? Another gulp, Tooru was too nervous and he wasn't in the state to sort out his thoughts. On the other hand Hajime was more than relieved, when he got the consent to visit Tooru. Honestly, all he could think of was to not let him down again, every thought wandering through his mind in that moment consisted of Tooru's well being. How should he start the conversation and how could he confront him, if he should? Nothing hinted that he tried to kill himself just a few days ago. Nothing but nothing showed, that Tooru wanted to leave Hajime alone. To leave him, even though he promised to not let go of him. Yet, he distanced himself more and more, didn't reply to any of his text messages, even ignored his calls. How was he supposed to be his partner when Tooru didn't want to talk with him about his suffering?

“Ah, Iwa-chan, you came...”, Tooru smiled mildly, as he entered the room. Nodding towards him, Hajime sat down next to him without saying a word. Staring at Tooru, his childhood friend, he waited. It appeared as if Tooru was looking everywhere but not to Hajime, avoiding his eyes constantly. The situation he found himself was obviously awkward and unpleasant, since none of them was talking, but Hajime couldn't care less. Even though he had so many questions he wanted to ask he restrained himself, since he didn't want to pester Tooru any further. It was too early he figured. Although he was incredibly relieved that Tooru was out of danger he was just so infuriated. At one hand he wanted to embrace him, even kiss him, but on the other hand he wanted to smack him so hard. Simply, because Tooru never answered his calls and even wanted to abandon him, without talking with him properly. 

Tooru slowly drifted his eyes to the cards and flowers, which were placed next to him.  
“Get home soon!”  
“Lets play volleyball when you're back!!!”  
“You can do this.”  
Fuck, was he tearing up. He needed to keep it together, so Tooru forced on a smile and wiped his face with his hand. Why did he have to make everyone so upset?  
“They're nice.”, Hajime noted huskily while pointing towards the cards. “Yeah, actually...Its nice reading such sweet words...”, Tooru confessed nervously. He felt so restless and helpless, how should he start? Should he apologize first? Or tell him that he regret everything that happened the past few weeks? And that he loved Hajime deeply?

“Say, Iwa-chan...”, he eventually started. “Hmm?”  
“Why did you come? Don't.. don't you hate me right now?” That's its, he didn't want to talk about himself so he'd rather ask Hajime, since those question were seriously bugging him right now. Hajime looked dumbstruck at first, honestly. Looking at Tooru as if he was seriously questioning his sanity. For real, was he even serious? Hajime thought while exhaling through his nose. Why he came? What kind of question was that?  
“Are you really just asking me why I visit my boyfriend at the hospital?”, he asked bluntly. Now it was Toorus turn to look dumbfounded. His mouth was open agape, as he stared – finally – at Hajime. That Hajime still called him his boyfriend made him happy and frustrated at the same time. How could he be this perfect and understanding? Yet Hajime knew when to call Tooru out, he was really everything he needed. Tooru could almost hear his heart beating and started chewing at his bottom lip unconsciously. Well, how could he possibly reply to that? 

“I...I didn't know you feel this way after all that happened the past few weeks...”, he murmured. “Because you know...”, he sighed “I fucked up, Hajime, I just so fucked up...and...”, he stopped. Why did his face felt so wet all of a sudden? He reached his hand out and notices that he was actually crying in front of Hajime. Trying to wipe his tears, Tooru started sobbing uncontrollably.

“Shush, you stupid jerk”, Hajime growled at him while reaching out for him. The next moment Tooru found himself in a tight embrace by Hajime. It was...like the first time in a really long time that he felt at ease. Nothing foreign, uncomfortable or unpleasant. Just Hajime's warm and calming hug. Tooru breathed in and out, trying to impregnate his scent as much as he could in his mind once again. He even stopped crying at some point, since all he could feel was Hajime's hand rubbing his back, his warm neck and quiet whispers telling him to relax. Closing his eyes Tooru let out a sigh. 

“Thank you so much, Iwa-chan...”, he whispered while tightening his grip around his waist. Hajime gave him a soft squeeze and pushed him with his hands on Toorus shoulders back. “You'll be okay, we'll be okay, understood? Don't make me repeat myself you jerk!”

“You should really stop calling me a jerk”, Tooru teased him lightly which resulted to a throaty little laugh that escaped from Hajime. “Maybe I should come up with another one.”  
And thus Hajime started kissing Tooru. Softly at first, almost too gentle, as if he was scared of hurting him. Tooru though felt like melting. Hajime was the best kisser on the planet that was for sure. The more he missed kissing Hajime, since it was so easy yet calming and it even felt better than playing volleyball like he used to. So when they broke the kiss, panting and trying to calm themselves down, Tooru thought of what would happen, when Hajime would actually break up with him.  
“So you won't leave me...right?” He asked him which made Hajime sigh. “I love you.” 

Again Tooru's mouth was wide open, how could Hajime say it out so freely and blunt? Did he even know what Tooru did in the past weeks and months? “I...are you...really?”, he needed the confirmation right now more than anything. “Yeah, really.”, Hajime replied. “How dense are you?”  
“I was just making sure that you didn't change your mind...”, Tooru mumbled. He was scared that Hajime would be disgusted with him. “I won't change my mind, Oikawa. Do you think that I could live without you after all these years?” He chuckled.

“I....I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Iwa-cha-”

Hajime kissed him again; his mouth was hot inside and he tasted like cigarettes and coffee, a taste really familiar to Tooru, even when he disliked that Hajime was actually smoking now and then. Tooru finally managed to get his hands around the snaps of Hajimes shoulders and Hajime dropped his arms long enough for it to fall on the bed, before he wrapped them around Tooru's waist. 

“How come you still like me?” Tooru mumbled through Hajime's tender kisses. “ I just can't believe that someone like you – you are the most precious human being in this world Iwa-chan, trust me – would be into a guy like me? Someone shady, sad and just a total mess?”

“A guy like – Oikawa, how can you-” Hajime frowned. “Don't you understand?”

“Understand what?”, Tooru nearly cried. 

Hajime shook his head. He ran his hand through Tooru's hair, along his cheek while stroking his face tenderly. Tooru trembled. Then he let go of his face and held his shoulders firmly – his eyes not leaving Tooru for a second. “Oika- Tooru, I've been in awe of you since I was a little kid. From the very beginning. You're absolutely astounding, do even realize that?”

Tooru tightened his grip around the sheets, trying to suppress his trembling. “But Iwa-chan”, he murmured. “I'm...” Nothing special, he wanted to say. Probably hated by everyone and a mistake. 

“Oikawa...” Once again, Hajime was unsure of how to react, how to respond properly. How could he impregnate in Tooru's thick skull that it was actually him, who was probably the – sassiest – but most precious person for him. So he pulled him slowly down, letting him to lay down, while getting a confused look by Tooru. “What are you-”  
He kissed Tooru's jaw, his throat; Hajime's fingers touched lighty behind his ears, tugging Tooru's hair behind. (He would need a haircut after they got back home) Tooru sighed heavily, tried to argue but Hajime shushed him and pushed him back down. Then, Hajime kissed him again, sweetly this time and his eyes never let go of Tooru squirming under him. “Tooru...”, he mumbled, his breath warm against Tooru's lips. “Can I continue? And show you how much I love and endear you”  
Tooru swallowed hard and nodded.

“It's okay if you don't like yourself, you can hate yourself as much as you want, fuck Tooru, then I'll just love you a hundred times more..” Hajime kissed him once more briefly, then cupped his cheeks and made Tooru look at him. “You are not perfect, yeah, in fact you're way too sissy and a drama queen sometimes”, Hajime grinned which made Tooru smile. “But no one want's you to be perfect, can you get that into your head, you idiot? I know all your flaws and I love each one of them.”  
“I know, I just...I guess I felt like I didn't belong here. I'm okay now, though, so please, don't worry.”  
“Promise me to get yourself help after this, I will support you as far as I can.” Hajime requested seriously. “I promise”, Tooru exhaled through his mouth and honestly. He felt so relieved. Knowing that his family didn't hate him, knowing that Hajime loved him and wasn't planning on leaving him. He was still being loved by those who mattered and that matter of fact made him all giddy and gleeful.

Maybe he didn't need to tell them that he changed his mind, maybe he should keep this experience for himself. As soon as he'd get out of here he would properly apologize and say his gratitude towards everyone who stayed with him even after this incident. He would get help as he promised and never ever make Hajime worry again. He promised.


End file.
